MicroHorror

How long have we been on this goddamned plane!? I can’t even remember when the Captain said we left the terminal! I swear if this kid behind me doesn’t stop screaming I’m going to… UGH! He’s kicking my seat again! I should say something to his parents. They obviously don’t give a crap. Maybe his father would care if I slammed my foot in his face! And I can’t tell who’s worse, sitting here stuffed between a yeti and a yuppie. Mister smelly, hairy wrestler keeps shoving his elbow in my gut trying to get his big melon low enough to look out the window. Then I have Biff the day trader yammering on his Motorola about his new Porsche even though the hostess asked us to turn off all cell phones and electronics. OH GREAT! Now the brat behind me is watching another freakin’ Barney DVD at full volume and Biff has just kicked it up a notch to show who’s got the bigger brass balls. My arms have fallen asleep because both of these jerk-offs are hogging the armrests in their assault on my sanity. I’d completely freak out but that guy in front of me has been giving me the evil eye since I sat down. He’s projecting the “don’t worry, I’m not an Air Marshal, make your move” vibe and imagining all the ways he’d like to punish me for bumping his seat even though it’s because Biff and the yeti keep knocking into it and I’m just trying to sit here and not lose my cool. I’ve had to use the bathroom since I got on this damned thing and I’m trapped. MAN! What is this fucking Sasquatch looking at out there!? There’s nothing to see! Wait… seriously, there’s nothing out there. Is that fog? It’s just perfectly white out the window. I don’t even see the wing. And now Porsche boy is talking even louder! How does a human voice get that loud!? It’s starting to hurt my ears and my headache is getting worse. Now Captain Howdy is telling us it’ll be another hour before we can taxi out to the runway and wait some more! GOD when will this end!? We still have a… actually I have no idea how long this flight is supposed to be. I think I have a connecting flight out of Boston or something I’ll most likely miss. I can’t even remember where the hell I’m going. Am I going to my parents’ in Florida or am I on a business trip? Will Biff please shut the fuck up!? I’m going to shove that cell phone up his ass in a minute. My iPod is dead, I lost my book, and I’ve read this stupid Airline magazine ten times already. I wish they would at least bring us some water. OOOFFF! “Hey, watch it!” Stupid Sasquatch guy just leers at me and keeps looking out the window at the nothing which is freaking me out pretty badly right now. Now that brat is KICKING MY SEAT AGAIN! And those sing song rhymes are driving me crazy! And Mister Air Marshal is glaring at me again because Biff kicked his seat while crossing his legs and kicked me in the knee to boot! My back is killing me, I just need to stretch or something. Where the hell are we!? How long have we been on this goddamned plane!?