MicroHorror

Excerpt taken from The Handbook for the Newly Sired Vampire: A Fledgling’s Survival Guide by Allister Digwell, PhD

Perhaps the most important lesson you can take from this handbook is that humanity is the greatest danger to the young vampire. Now, you may believe me to have gone a bit soft in the head, but it’s true. Humanity is not only our chief food source, but they are also the single greatest cause of demise among vampires by far. It’s ironic and quite frustrating to say the least. Nowhere else in the world does the prey offer such a great danger to the predator. The mice do not gang up on the sleeping house cat to drive tiny stakes into its heart.

Remember, a single human is a meal. An organized group of humans with fire and stakes is a mob. Know the difference!

If one seeks a proof of my theory, one needs only to look at the literature of the human world. Undoubtedly you read Dracula at some point in your life. By now, you already know that it’s riddled with mistakes and outright fallacies (see Chapter 7 entitled “Stoker was a syphilis-ridden fool, but he got a few things right” for further discussion on vampires in human literature), but I urge you to get a copy and keep it by your bedside. I do not suggest you use it as pleasant bedtime reading. Rather, I encourage you to refer to it as a cautionary fairy tale and learn from it.

What was Dracula’s greatest mistake? It was not his choice of victims or his weakness for virginal girls as one might first conclude. His tragic flaw was, above all else, socializing with the cattle! He enjoyed the company of humans. There was no need to keep Harker in Transylvania for weeks in Dracula’s castle, no need to make himself known socially to his victims. Of all the hundreds of thousands of potential meals in 19th-century London, he confined his attention to a small group of people who all knew each other. His fondness for human interaction led directly to his demise.

Do not err where Dracula failed. Find a human, drain it, and move on. Don’t waste time asking them about their personal lives or their jobs.

I bring this warning to your attention early in this guide because it is a mistake often made by fledgling. As a newly turned vampire, you may still cling to your previous existence on many levels. It does take some time to adjust to the noble, ancient state of vampirism. Occasionally, you may find yourself wishing to call your old girlfriend on the phone or go grab a beer with Tony to discuss your favorite sports franchise. Fight that urge! Humanity is now your prey, no more, no less. Humans are to be eaten. Personal entanglements with the living never end well. “Hanging out” with your eventual lunch could become awkward at best and could well involve a pointy wooden stick in the worst case. To rehash a natural analogy, the wolves do not play poker with the sheep after work.

In closing, I advise you to laminate the following list and tape it to the inside of your coffin lid. It should be the first thing you see when you open your eyes in the evening and the last image you glimpse before you sleep.

Prolonged exposure to humans can cause the following side effects:
⁃ Sun poisoning
⁃ Severe garlic reactions
⁃ Literal loss of one’s head
⁃ Burning of a most painful manner
⁃ Extended immersion in running water
⁃ Confrontation with priests, crosses, and other religious icons
⁃ Staking
⁃ Repeated staking
⁃ Even more staking

Memorize the list. Perhaps then you will have learned a lesson which may keep you undead for centuries to come.