MicroHorror

Have you ever seen what pure Sodium can do? It’s fun, isn’t it? The teensiest little scrap will react so quickly when dropped into water, it’ll actually burst into flames. It’s so volatile that you can only buy it immersed in mineral oil. I heard that one time, a particularly precocious student was so impressed with the effect, that they stole the sample they’d been given, and put it in their pocket for mischief later. Once the oil was absorbed by their jeans, the Sodium started reacting in the air, burning a hole in the material, and when it got hold of the moisture in the flesh, it was astonishingly quick. The poor kid had to have a massive chunk of his hip excised, once they put him out, that is.

It goes without saying that, were someone to put it in their mouth, and swallow, or be forced to swallow, the results would be calamitous. In fact, it would probably ruin that someone for any other experiments, unless of course we just used this pinch-sized piece right here. Open wide. I said, “Open wide.”

Sort of brings new meaning to the term “palate cleanser,” hmm?

This, right here, is a ribbon of pure Magnesium. It’s pretty, isn’t it? If you expose this to flame, it flares up and burns extremely fast. Were this to be, say, wrapped around the arm of an investment banker and lit, it would leave a nasty third-degree burn in its wake.

We’d then have to do something about that, which would bring us to this charming little orange bottle of Iodine. This sample is homemade. It’s much stronger than what you get at the pharmacy. It stings a little, but there’s nothing like it for treating a chemical burn.

Silly me, we’re forgetting all about the gases. This one is also homemade, but the recipe goes back almost a hundred years now, World War One, I believe. They called it “Mustard Gas” back then, due to the yellow color. If someone were to open the valve on a glass case that was the current residence of, say, the same investment banker that took his client’s life savings and left town, well then, I’d say he’d get a little itchy under the collar for a while as water blisters started to form all over his flesh. Any “idiotic, pathetic, science teachers” would have to ensure they stepped outside, and made the chamber air-tight first.

Now, if that same investment banker we were talking about, who left town with his client’s money, also left town with his client’s wife? Well, then, we’d also have to talk about this canister over here. I love how simple the markings are on this one, “H.” This valve would flood the glass chamber. It’s great stuff. It does the same thing to your voice as Helium, did you know that? There’s just one slight difference, one that you might be aware of.

If a certain “weak, sorry, excuse for a husband” were to be careless with his cigarette after that, we might not have to worry about this mechanism here, that is based on simple physics. The trigger activates the hammer, which strikes the cordite primer, which launches a small amount of “Plumbum” from this part right here.

You see? So many of my students go away from high school, worrying that nothing they’ve learned will ever apply in the real world. I pity them. If they ever manage to capture the bastards responsible for ruining their lives, the results would be positively mundane.

I’m sorry, I can’t understand you, is there something wrong with your mouth? Ah–I see. You’re sorry. Well, that’s very nice of you. I appreciate the sentiment, but then I did swear revenge, and my word is as good as Gold.