MicroHorror

SACRED NOTES OF HIGH PRIEST WINNIE-THE-POOH
ALL FOREIGN VIEW DENIED UNDER PENALTY OF AXE

- Transcript of Comrade Sacrifice of 5th full moon -

- Location: Acre 101 -

- Time: Midnight -

I. Invocation

Holy Lifefather Christopher Robin; thou who art giver of carefree life and games around Pooh Corner; thou who art the supplier of hugs and smiles; thou who 23 Autumns ago hath left the 100 Acre Wood to fight in flaming plains of forsaken land of School; thou who hath not returned once; we beseech your return with this gift of death, as our beloved brother Piglet ascends through flame into glory in hopes that once again we may experience the joys you giveth; grant us your presence and bring the 100 Acre Wood to eternal happiness, AMEN.

II. Status

Current population of 100 Acre Wood: 32 non-sentient trees with carved-out faces – 4 beehives with hostile populations incapable of speech – occasional visiting birds and other game, also incapable of speech – one His Holiness High Priest of Holy Lifefather Christopher Robin Winnie-the-Pooh – one Heavenly altruistic sacrificial page Piglet accordingly prepared for ascension.

Deceased:

Rabbit – first sacrifice borne to the flames of Christopher Robin.

Eeyore – second sacrifice borne to the flames of Christopher Robin.

Tigger – heathen killer of holy names – executed by beheading.
Attempted to dismantle sacrificial flaming Honey pot;
Questioned doctrine of High Priest, claiming it was not what Christopher Robin intended;
Physically attacked High Priest;
For the above crimes may he burn forever with the heffalumps and woozles of Gehenna.

Kanga – whore queen of heathens – executed by vivisection.
Openly opposed sacrificial rites;
Attempted to leave 100 Acre Wood;
For the above crimes may she burn forever with the heffalumps and woozles of Gehenna.

Roo – forsaken prince of heathens – fate unknown – assumed dead
Fled outside borders of woods upon whoremother Kanga’s death.
May he burn forever with the heffalumps and woozles of Gehenna.

Owl – third sacrifice borne to the flames of Christopher Robin.
Read dissenting literature; gave notable resistance to progression of sacrificial rite; worth only half value of regular sacrifice.

III. Vote to Spare Comrade, Vote of Sacrifice Uncounted

Final tally: 0 yea, 5* nay
*(note that one vote of the High Priest is worth five)

IV. Final Words of Sacrificial Comrade Piglet

“Really, Pooh, I don’t understand what’s gotten into you with this whole cult thing! I don’t want to die, and you don’t want me to die, either! I’m all you have left, and if you throw me in the pit you’ll be the only one left, without any friends!

“But I suppose I can’t change your decision either way, can I? So go ahead and kill me! If Christopher Robin comes back, I can guarantee you he won’t like it!”

V. Sacrificial Progress

Honey pot ignition: success
Condition of wooden statue of Christopher Robin: satisfactory, some ash across face
Recitation of sentence: perfect
Quickness in death of sacrifice: below average
Emotional neutrality of High Priest: below average
Death of sacrifice: yes
Pit extinguished: four tries
Overall: average

VI. Final Notes

- No immediate return of Holy Lifefather Christopher Robin.
- Shooting star observed. Possible sign of imminent return.
- In the near future.
- Maybe.
- He’s just taking a long time coming back.
- What the hell have I done.
- I’m sorry.
- I’m alone.
- Who’s listening?
- I’m sorry.
- I’m sorry.