I Can’t Die
(Editor’s note: The following story, like all stories on MicroHorror, is a work of fiction. If you yourself are experiencing suicidal or self-destructive thoughts or impulses, please seek professional help immediately. There is hope for you. –NR)
I can’t die. Believe me, I’ve tried. I stepped off a roof, jumped in front of a car, and all I got out of it was a broken leg, which miraculously healed in just thirty-six hours. The doctors convinced themselves that the X-rays got switched, completely overlooking the fact that it would mean that some other poor guy was walking around out there with a shattered left leg. I guess the closest I got was when I stepped into one of those big wood chippers. Damn, that hurt.
Why am I so set on dying? I don’t know. At first it was everything in my life, but then it sort of became a challenge. What made me want to end it all in the first place was a variety of things. Boredom, mostly. Depression. Maybe general teen angst. It doesn’t help that my parents are raving lunatics. Trust me, any embarrassing thing your parents have ever done to you I can top, ten-fold. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend dumped me. Whore.
In my quest to snuff out my meaningless existence I would have to overcome my apparent ability to come back from any injury I could imagine. It occurred to me that I still do get injured. I get injured, maybe even die, but I always come back. But it’s always after the activity that injuries me is over with. I wouldn’t be able to come back if it was a continuing process. I wouldn’t be able to regenerate, or whatever it is, if it was still going on.
I thought of freezing myself, that would surely do it, but the logistics were hard to work out and I was afraid that eventually something would happen to thaw me out. I considered chaining myself to concrete blocks and tossing them into the water, but I’ve seen all those movies where the campers stumble across the guy at the bottom of the lake and he comes to life and hacks them all to death. It never stops him, why would it stop me? And I don’t want to hack anyone up except myself. I needed something more permanent than that, more definite, something that wouldn’t leave me wondering if someone would one day thaw me out or pull me from the water.
Concrete. I could lower myself into wet concrete. At first I would drown, feeling the pain and burning as my body fought for air, my lungs sucking in the wet cement. Then the concrete would harden and I’d be trapped forever. A perfect plan.
Perfect. Was I ever wrong! I awoke to that pain of my lungs trying to fill, to the pressure of all that weight pressing upon me. I hadn’t considered this possibility. Now I just want out. I want to live the sixty or eighty years I was supposed to live and die of old age. I don’t want to be here, alone in this dark with my muscles and joints aching because I haven’t moved them for days.
Maybe I will still die of old age. What will it be like to be trapped in here for eighty years, all alone with only my thoughts to keep me company? I guess I’ve really screwed myself this time. Is this what hell is like? What if I don’t die soon? What if I do die of old age? Oh, God, what if I don’t?
that is worse than if he did die after 50 or 60 years … so horrible
Comment by Cartese — September 16, 2007 @ 9:42 pm
I have a similar affliction. Electricity, fast moving vehicles, high falls, drowning, gun shots, knives. Nothing works!!! It’s sort of irritating.
Comment by Don — May 17, 2010 @ 4:15 pm
I should be dead – but I’m not. I tried to end my life but I couldn’t WHY ?
Comment by Jim — June 13, 2010 @ 8:57 pm
thats amazing. stunning. but absolutely horrible. im a atheist, but out of curiosity do u believe in God? How does that affect how you feel about all this… madness?
Comment by hailee — June 24, 2010 @ 12:01 am
I feel the same, 2 days ago a Toyota Hilux ran a red light & t-boned me at 60kph without breaking, I got slight whiplash (I was in a pissy Hyundai). I spoke to my wife about this, she feels the same not that she wants me to die. When I was 12 or 13yrs old I tried to overdose on various medications, I jus vomited them back up, shortly after ate 12 sleeping pills, nothing. 20yrs old tried to hang myself, woke up on floor with rope around my neck, weeks after ate a pack of prozac, I was beaming off my head next morning but to avail. I cry at funerals because it’s not me…
Comment by bill — July 22, 2010 @ 12:08 am
Well, I have the same ailment. I have drank Draino, overdosed on heart medication, taken a bottle of sleeping pills and booze, slit my wrists, taken a massive overdose of highblood pressure medicine. I have been hit by 2 cars, crashed a van at a high rate of speed rolling it 8 times and walked away. I have been electrocuted 3 times. I have been impaled through my head and still alive and kicking. I first found out that I could not die when I drowned as a kid, after blacking out I woke up under water, swam to shore and walked out of the water. I was 5 and my mother, brother and cousins all said I was under the water for 6 minutes. When I was 8 I jumped off a barn roof landed on a pitch fork. I was only hospitalized one time when I broke my neck. I was told that I would never walk again, yet I walked out of the hospital on my own. I was about 6. I can not die! I have tried and I can not. I have noticed that each time I try to die, I get more gray hair yet don’t die. I wish so much that I could die. I am in my 40’s and wish this life would just STOP!! I can not die!
Comment by Jon — August 12, 2010 @ 10:45 pm
hey there i go threw moments like this i od sum1 finds me im in a coma then healthy i awake weired its my time when god feels so…………..
Comment by hawaiianoder — August 21, 2010 @ 2:32 am
FUCK! I feel the same. I am willing to die, I really want to but something prevents me from dying every time I try. I have tried Lithium, aspirin, & Phenobarbital. I have tried cutting but I have never been able to cut very deep. I have seen one of my friends with cuts all over his body but nothing happened to him, why should it work with me? I am so fed up with this life. Why can’t I just find peace?! Fuck GOD!
Comment by Ariel DeHaviland — November 20, 2010 @ 2:28 pm
i think i’m the same i’ve had multiple inguries like minor stuff but they only hurt for a few seconds i fractured my toe three days ago it hurt for three seconds and the doctor asked me if i had run at all i said no but i had sprinted to the shop near my school with no pain i dont want to see if i cant die i’m not scared of dieing but if i do die when i try what will be the point of that? i have lots of friends and i dont want them mourning me or anything i really dont know what to do please help someone
Comment by Jacob — November 22, 2010 @ 4:15 am
when i was 7 i was hit by a car going 100mph i was so bad the EMT told my mom i was dead but surprisingly i was not all i had was a scratch when i was 15 this guy hated me and he saw me in the street stabbed me with a screw driver in my chest he pulled it out there was no blood no mark it healed instantly he looked me in my eyes with fear and says im sorry can we just be friends and ran off lol i have more stories but all i want is answers but i just cant find who or what i am fuck i walked through fire to save my mom and dad at 4 and my first memory was me falling out of a window :(
Comment by artius — November 23, 2010 @ 7:39 am
I’ve been clinically dead 4 times in my life… and yet i’m still here. If other immortals exist i would certainly like to meet them but know that not dying is possibly that BIG secret we’d like to keep to ourselves. Not seeking help, just wanting to chat to a 300 year old soul.
Comment by me — November 27, 2010 @ 4:53 pm
I have wanted to die since I became concious, it seems I have come here in this life for reasons other than my own…. I tried doing it a couple of times, cut my wrists as hard as I could…. for some reason it didnt go as deep as I had thought….. shortly after I tried taking a bunch of welbutrin pills…. I just had paralisys for 3 hours and puked them up….. I dont understand how someone can condemn me for what I want to do with MY body, MY life, MY soul….. I do believe in god…. not the shallow vision christians have, more of a universal conciousness…. this is what drives me to death, I know it is true from my experiences in life….. I just dont get my purpose, I am overly concerned with morals making sure I dont wrong a single person…. haha im still friends with all my long term exes…… I have been depressed my whole life because its so frustrating when everyone KNOWS universal law, and then they choose to ignore it because everyone else is… but this old american system of hate will always get me down…. “the more I let you have the less I will be keeping for myself” fukked up I would give everything I have to anyone and just walk away…. my car my house, people are always trying to get more, I understand why people commit suicide……. and I understand why people preach it…… I want to walk away from this backward society just for fun…… maybe one day….. fuk the man…!
Comment by chantel — November 30, 2010 @ 4:46 pm
bullshit!!!!! You think thats funny? There is no fucking way that what you dumbasses are saying is true! Ever think that your just insane? Maybe you actually believe what you say, but it is physically impossible! There are people really killing themselves and you gothic/emo losers are lying about it? You people are horrible! And the last thing you mentioned in your little lie was being sealed in cement!! What the fuck!!!!!!! If you were sealed in cement then how the hell did you write that, huh? Is your laptop in there with you? DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Z — December 3, 2010 @ 10:48 pm
i hung myself two years ago.. i remember panic overwhelming me as i struggled into blackness.. i woke up to my father in front of me screaming my name. i was still hanging, yet somehow i had snapped back into consciousness from my father’s presence alone. After he cut me down, I gassped, “im so sorry” with an underlying note of frustrated acceptence. I’ve ODed on pills, but my body always fights through it. i still want to die, think about it everyday. when i hear a plane flying by, i imagine it crashing into my house. when i hear a siren, i pray that police will show up and shoot me dead. its difficult to be around others.. i feel like they know what i’ve done, and therefor cannot connect with them the way i used to. i push friends and loved ones away, i say horrible things to girls, and i blame my parents for the way i am, for being here in the fisrt place. i just want peace. there really should be a program for people like this, like volunteer executions, y’know, use my organs or tissue to help someone who Wants to live here
Comment by R — December 4, 2010 @ 4:24 am
Wow are you sure you’re not Kenny from South Park? He went through the same emo phase a month ago too…weird.
Comment by M — December 6, 2010 @ 7:05 pm
@Z: Read the editor’s note at the top, moron. It clearly states that this is Fiction.
Comment by Sanyiel — February 1, 2011 @ 8:41 am
u guys are not affected u all can die u all havent been close death and still writing all i know is when my biggest idol and only uncle died instead of me in a carcrash made me think like i was immortal but then i wish i was wrong…… if u think u can answear my qoute then ur wrong i will never be on this website agien… feel free to write i am an ashole and a lier cuzz u will never know if i tell the truth well the answears will always be the same “I dont care what u say i still got my own thougts”…. i miss my uncle but i have to good life to be tryin to kill myself.
Comment by Immortal — February 2, 2011 @ 11:17 pm
I too have similar experiences… purely fictional of course.
Jumped 80 feet from a tree, blacked out in the air and came to lying on the ground without a scratch.
ran a car in a closed garage, blacked out, came to as my mom walked in.
ate an entire amanita muscaria mushroom (which was not cooked, so contained a completely lethal amount of ibotenic acid), went catatonic, and woke up in a hospital having been airlifted. (funny thing is my goal that day was to fly)
i think god (or my subconscious, or the universe) just weren’t ready for me to die. or perhaps i did die all these times, but had nothing else to turn into or become, so i just became myself again? make sense? i think that’s what happened to all you guys too. you weren’t ready. you are in the right place right NOW and always will be.
Comment by rob — February 24, 2011 @ 4:01 am
I’ve been in 5 car accidents, was eletricuted 3 times in water on purpose, I’ve over dosed on a whole bottles of combination vicoden and tylenol pm, woke up the next morning pissed that I was still alive and puking my guts out and tried to slit my writs twice, but the razor just won’t penetrate the skin. I’m still here, obviously, but I don’t know why. What I do know is that this reality, at times just doesn’t seem real. I’m over it and I want out. I’ve been searching for something or someone, but how can I find it, if I don’t even know what I’m looking for? I already know about God, Jesus, faith…but there is something missing…something just isn’t right.
Comment by Diane — March 29, 2011 @ 12:57 am
i recently tried to kill myself after a recent bout of insomnia which lasted a good year.couldn’t sleep and was energetic all the time. i’d fall asleep for 45 minutes and be up again not really refreshed but full of energy. i ate 2 bottles of sleep-eze, drank a bottle of nyquil and a bottle of fireball…..i had a dream or near death experience in which i could see the inside of an ambulance and then felt myself pulled back down into this hellish nightmare of existence.i could hear my heart beating so fast and awoke furious,i looked at the clock and only 3 hours had passed.now i am manic and feel like a crazy person.
Comment by jon d — May 7, 2011 @ 8:19 am
Once I almost drowned and I should have had broken bones lots of times but I’ve never been in a hospital.
Comment by Poop — May 16, 2011 @ 12:56 pm
all these story’s about dieing and i didn’t? i’ve had an experence where I’ve stepped on glass and bleed to death not getting hit by a car but blood and i’ve tryed over and over again but it seems like i get more imune
Comment by adam — May 18, 2011 @ 4:24 pm
I was hit by a Van and I just had a small scratch on my knee bruise on my face . That Night I couldn’t read anything , my head hurt . After several months I told my parents , they were shocked and took me in Hospitar. I didn’t have any brain damage .
Comment by ME Myselfski — June 19, 2011 @ 5:51 pm
i tried taking my life about 7 times by over dosing all i ended up with was a damaged liver not permenent or i would of been dead within 5 days my hospital, doctor an foster mum told me i should be dead an didnt understand how i survived it all :\
Comment by dracula — July 17, 2011 @ 6:11 am
for real..
i have never been sick after the age of seven… ive tried
i have had 3 major car sccidents, although getting out a broken window on one occasion wich i did get cut up…
walked and on the other two, with one of the other being hit by a ute carrying a cement load on a trailor all cars write offs two cars had passenger sides pushed into drivers side.
Have been electocuted on many occasions it just pisses me off now when my breathing stops and i push to get it starting.
i have had rib fractures from the accidents but dont show on xray anymore
something happens now in the way i see certain people almost right through
dreams are different like alternate things wich could happen sort a thing
Comment by john doe — September 19, 2011 @ 1:17 pm
yup an make that 9 times now..
an true wow thats weird so is like everything extreamly different now? iv never been in a car carsh at all close to a couple
Comment by dracula — October 2, 2011 @ 6:02 am
Great Story!
Comment by Emma — December 20, 2011 @ 3:34 pm
All truee -____-
Comment by dracula — January 31, 2012 @ 6:59 am