Six More Weeks
The gamekeepers at the Staten Island Zoo had a problem with Staten Island Chuck. He was their weather-prognosticating groundhog. Since animals knew when an earthquake or thunderstorm was approaching, maybe they really could predict the end of winter. Chuck growled whenever approached, and frequently charged his pot roast of a body forward to bite handlers. The zookeepers knew that Chuck was not ready to make the official pronouncement–which they decided by a flip of the coin beforehand. And there were no shortage of woodchucks in the tri-state area. So Chuck was euthanized, and a new woodchuck was adopted in the weeks before the big day and named Chuck. But this groundhog seemed to have the same wild nature. Odd, for an animal that lives in backyards full of cats and squirrels. It was affecting the other zoo animals as well. They were on edge, acting as if a nor’easter was coming. But there was nothing but drizzly clouds in the forecast. During the official prognostication event, the new Chuck was uncooperative, snarling at handlers and biting everyone. When the man at the microphone started announce that spring would be early, he stammered and halted and finally had to drop Chuck. The feral animal scurried through the startled crowd, before being cornered and stuffed into a bag. “I… I just can’t lie,” the announcer said to the crowd. “Spring isn’t coming.” “Six more weeks?” one reporter queried. “No, way more than six more weeks. Spring isn’t coming. Period. The… the animals know.” Throughout the day, reports from Punxatawny Phil in Punxatawny, PA; General Beauregard Lee in Liburn, GA, and Buckeye Chuck in Marion, OH all confirmed misbehaving groundhogs. All the handlers wept, and confessed the direness of the groundhog’s true forecast. After years of truly believing groundhogs saw their shadows, few people believed their warnings now. Then, the snows began.
