The Rip-Off
The devil inked Asa Windler into his log.
“Asmodeus,” the devil called. “We have a disgraced C.E.O. of a large pharmaceutical company arriving today.”
“Ah,” said Asmodeus, “shall I retrieve the syringes?”
The Devil smiled proudly.
“Not just yet. He apparently filed a directional argument with Michael,” the Devil said gesturing above. “Asa thought he should hang out in purgatory temporarily and then pass through the pearly gates in a few centuries since he never killed anybody. Apparently, he doesn’t appreciate the thief’s absence of conscience.”
“The nerve,” said Asmodeus.
“That’s not all. He’s refused to part with a briefcase of money.”
“Oh, he’s something else, isn’t he?”
“Indeed,” said the Devil. “When he arrives, escort him directly to me.”
Asa arrived moments later following Asmodeus. A pool of water surrounding a small tree appeared as the Devil caught sight of them.
“Mr. Swindler, welcome to your dwelling place,” said the Devil.
Asa looked around at other residents walking on hot coals, some yanking endless needles from their skin, and one gentleman who was rolling a stone up a hill that moved like a treadmill.
“So, Michael told you I was unhappy with the direction, huh?” Asa asked.
“I heard something like that,” the Devil said. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Asa approached the pool of water and a red swimming pool raft appeared, floating with a cocktail in the cup holder.
“Now that’s more like it!” Asa said, reaching with his toe to get aboard. “Compromise is everything.”
“Uh, one thing first,” Asmodeus said.
“What’s that?” asked Asa, watching the raft drift out of reach.
“The briefcase,” Asmodeus said.
The Devil extended his hand.
Within minutes, Asa was floating on the raft. A swift current took him to the tree.
“Wow!” Asa yelled. “This is a money tree.”
“Oh, yes,” said the Devil. “It symbolizes your knowledge.”
“Damn right! This place ain’t so bad after all.” He reached for a bill, but it turned into a rotten apple. He reached for another with the same result.
“God damn it! You fooled me!” he yelled.
“I am a mere conductor of ill fate, Asa. You’ve certainly heard the saying, ‘A fool and his money are soon–’”
“To hell with you!” Asa screamed.
The Devil merely frowned in mock disappointment. Asmodeus concealed his laugh behind his master.
“What next?” Asa said, looking around in the water which was now teeming with poisonous snakes.
He took the cocktail in his hand and, as he sipped, the drink went down but nothing came up the straw. When he put it down, the glass filled up again. He hurled it into the water, only to see another in its place.
“This is a rip-off!”
“So it has been, Asa, and so it always shall be,” said the Devil as he and Asmodeus walked away.