MicroHorror

Mayor Crouch ho-ho’ed like Claus himself as he threw the switch that lit up the town. A million sparkling lights reflected off his chain, playing on his three chins. A sudden cascade of sparks enveloped him. They fizzled and zizzed and the mayor danced until he was blue and his arms hung limp at his sides. Women and children screamed in terror. Anyone who jumped on the podium was repelled by shocks. The mayor’s lifeless corpse lay singed on the marble floor and the tree twinkled just like any normal tree, innocent as you please.

Now, nobody liked the mayor. He was a mean- spirited exhibitionist, but public execution is brutal and that’s what this was. They put it down to a feedback surge but I was sure it weren’t no accident. It was me installed them circuits. Besides, I’d seen a mean look come over that tree… its green got real dark and its lights, livid bright just before… I was giving that tree a wide berth.

Some days later I caught sight of a tramp hanging around by the grotto. I didn’t need to smell him–I could see he hadn’t washed since last Christmas and since most folks was ignoring him, he decided to help himself. I had to hand it to him, he was subtle too! He snuck a hand inside this woman’s bag from behind and whipped her purse quicker’n you could say Kringle! Just as quickly the tree responded. A bolt of electricity laid him out colder than a leftover ham. I wasn’t the only one saw it, but nobody was saying nothing ’cos stealing from folks at Christmastime’s just plain nasty. Plus I didn’t fancy gettin’ the wrong side of that tree! Next day the newspaper reported, “Two More Christmas Tree Deaths.”

As Christmas approached the tree got bolder. It zapped four people in one day. One was a spoiled child who persistently made his mother’s life a misery because she couldn’t afford the particular toy he’d set his greedy little heart on. Another was a charity collector with real sticky fingers. The manager of one of the largest stores, “Now Offering Free Credit and Nothing to Pay until Next Christmas,” didn’t make it to work that morning neither. Its final victim was a Santa. I never found out for sure why he got it but you betcha he was up to no good!

By Christmas Eve it was obvious that these incidents were not the result of some electrical fault but I guess nobody had the guts to admit it and nobody wanted to try and switch that tree off. I pretended to have a look at the switches and wiring, which was my job, but I talked to the tree the entire time.

“I ain’t gonna hurt you, buddy. You just stay calm and I’ll say there’s nothing wrong, which there ain’t… but tell me, aren’t you Christmas trees s’posed to be all soppin’ over with good will to all men?”

That’s when it spoke.

“Good will to all men of good will,” it said (in a kind of a deep green voice, you understand).

There was something about its tone set my nerves a-janglin’. I could feel its bristling electrons all around me and my hairs stood on end. “I ain’t never wished no ill on nobody!” I urged, cursing my own curiosity and hoping all the negatives didn’t spoil my defense none.

Anyhow, I lived to tell the tale. The tree let me be. It set me down gentle as a baby on the marble floor and told me to step well back.

“See you ’round,” it said.

Then, so help me, it rose on a plume of streaky colored lights, right up through the roof of the mall and into the starry sky, just like a rocket!

‘See you ’round.’ It’s somewhere for sure! Could be in a mall near you.

Gee, thanks, straight bourbon, please. Cheers! And Merry Christmas!