MicroHorror

“Mien Fuhrer, you can walk!” Now that is a hell of a thing to wake up to.

My head was pounding with pain, and my mouth tasted of peanuts. I knew my friends were dicks, but really? They put peanuts in my mouth after I passed out at that party?

I could feel liquid dripping down the back of my neck, and those assholes wouldn’t shut up. I couldn’t even understand most of them. What the fuck is that? German? Are they speaking German? How the fuck did my retarded-ass friends learn another language?

I had to put my hands to my ears to try and shut out all the noise. Some prick must be watching a Saving Private Ryan or something in the living room with the sound all the way up.

My eyes finally adjust to the light and I fall back to the ground and hit my head. Shit starts to go black, but I know what I saw. My asshole friends in motherfucking Nazi uniforms. Everyone makes a racist comment here and there, but that is just too much.

I’m in bed now. My head still hurts. Someone was nice enough to wrap it, though. Surely not one of my friends.

There is only one person in the room. A nurse by the looks of it. Kind of fucking hot too. I smile as I try to sit up but she motions for me to stay put and walks out into the hall, shouting in German. What the fuck kind of cheap ghetto hospital did my friends take me to this time?

A man rushes in, he tells the nurse to leave and shuts the door. This asshole is dressed like a Nazi too. “Hello?” he asks.

“Where the fuck am I and why the fuck are you wearing that, asshole?”

The man turns paces back and forth. What an ass.

“I’m not sure how to explain this, sir,” he says with a thick accent. “We needed a fall guy, you see. The Russians are at our doorsteps here, sir. And if we don’t hand you over then it will be our balls. Our balls, sir! And seeing as you did the horrible dishonor of…of what is the English phrase….‘being a fucking pussy’ and blowing your brains out, we were quite fucked.”

All this is going over my head. Did someone slip some fucking acid in my drink last night?

“Thankfully all of the resources you put into studying the Occult paid off.” He knocks on the door and two more assholes bearing swastikas come marching in, these guys actually carrying guns! I always thought my friends were lazy, but damn. They really committed to this prank!

“Thankfully we were able to locate your soul, heal your wounds, and now everything will be okay.” One of the ‘soldiers’ aims his gun at my head.

“Whoa, asshole. You shouldn’t even pretend to do that shit.”

“Ich bin trauriger geehrter Herr, aber Sie sind unter Anhalten!” He shouts as the other soldier moves in closer, handcuffs ready. He slaps them upon my wrists and starts to drag me away.

I kick and scream and for my efforts I receive a gun barrel to the face. What the hell is going on here?

“Dude, you finally waking up? You got fucking trashed last night. You should call Sally, she is totally pissed at you.”

“Was? Wer sind Sie? Wo bin ich? Was geht das Bumsen, Sie bumsendes Arschloch weiter?”

“Calm down, asshole. Stop shouting that gibberish, and seriously stop banging your hands on my desk. You’re gonna bust that fucking thing up.”