Questionnaire
May 6th, 2007
I received the questionnaire from my high school reunion committee today. I think it was someone’s idea of a joke to include me; I’m sure no one wants to know what I have to say. I told Dr. Brewer and he said I should fill it out, even if I don’t wind up sending it. I said I’d think it over.
May 9th, 2007
I feel better today; less angry. Maybe it’s the questionnaire. I stayed up late working on it, long after lights-out. Ten years! Some questions are a lot easier than others. I got stuck on “What have you been up to since high school?” because everyone knows the answer mainly, which is nothing much. But it was nice to finally transcend the old high school bullshit on questions like “Do you have a message you’d like to share with your fellow classmates?” I wrote that there are as many ways to live as there are people in the world, and that I hoped everyone else had gotten to figure that out too. The questionnaires are going to all be printed into a booklet that everyone will get a copy of. I hope someone remembers to send me one. I’d like to see what others are up to now.
May 21st, 2007
Fucking impossible. I’ve written and rewritten it so many times. Dr. Brewer wouldn’t let me mail it as-is. He said it would upset people, and that he knew that no matter what I was feeling now, I didn’t want that. I was just trying to be honest, but when I told him that his eyes got that glassy troubled look and I found out later that he changed my meds after our meeting. This last week has been a blur; I don’t remember anything. All my hair seems to be gone, and my scalp feels crusty and scorched in places. I don’t know if this is because of something I did, or something they did. I rewrote the part about my “most embarrassing moment from high school” so that it was less damning. I guess I don’t want anyone else to feel responsible. I don’t have any hard feelings anymore.
June 1st, 2007
I decided not to mail it after all! I tore it up into shreds in front of Dr. Brewer so he could see how much better I’ve gotten at letting things go. He seemed very proud of me! My head is clear again, and for the first time in years I feel capable of making plans, having dreams. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have a plan. I work in the garden, moving earth, and shock myself with the possibilities.
I have a visit home scheduled for October, five whole days! My parents have promised to supervise me and make sure I get my medicine. I didn’t tell Dr. B, but I’m pretty sure the visit overlaps with the weekend of the reunion! I wrote down the date in the back cover of the Bible my parents gave me for Christmas. I’ve been fantasizing about giving Mom and Dad the slip that night and actually showing up–poor old folks don’t know shit about pills. I bet no one would even recognize me there. I’ve lost so much weight! I don’t really know if I could get away with it, but if I can, I will. I’d like to find out whose idea it was to send me the questionnaire. Tell some people a few of my answers to those questions in person. I’d like to think I would be welcome, have been forgiven after all these years, as I have forgiven myself. It’s not like they have anything to worry about, we’re all safe from each other now. Anyone I had a problem with is long gone. I already took them out ten years ago.
I wonder if Dad has a tie I can borrow.
