Worshipping Whatever
I wake up and my face is gone.
You can feel it, but it’s not there.
I run my fingers around what the mirror can’t see a few more times, just to be sure, but excitement is already building in me, refusing to fade.
I’ve been waiting for this.
I go downstairs and say to my family, “Hey, look–it’s finally happened!”
They don’t reply.
They never do.
“Oh, wow,” Del says. “You too!”
We’re both fading more and more each day. But still we know each other. We’ve been compatriots a long time.
I grin. “Yep.”
He slaps a hand you can’t see against my shoulder. “Proud of you, buddy.”
Then he walks away.
Leaving me to frown.
Pride is something none of us should feel.
It’s apathy that drives us, that we all worship. When you’re a vacuum of care and concern for anything, even yourself, that’s when your body will start to consume itself, to fade from this world.
Blessed be.
When we saw the rightful way of things we turned an abandoned factory into a shrine and painted “whatever” on the wall and bent down to pray to it. Me and Del first, then many others.
That was six months ago.
A lot can happen in that time. Yet still no one has come to check on our families.
They all had to go. Mothers, fathers, siblings too.
That’s the price they had to pay for not making us care about them.
Certain parts of Del’s anatomy are hanging on, and he calls to ask if he should lose his virginity before they finally disappear.
“Why should you?” I ask. “Why do you care about something like that?”
Silence is his answer.
But he’s already hanged himself with his last words.
When I get to his house, he’s nowhere in sight. But I know he can’t have vanished completely, not yet–ideas like pride and desire are still holding him back.
“Come out,” I say. “I know you’re here, Del.”
He does not obey.
But I can still feel him here.
Hiding.
Afraid.
Still filled with a care for things that will be his undoing.
I start fondling his dead sister.
“Look, Del,” I say. “Look what I’m doing. Don’t pretend you don’t care.”
I look at the corpse.
I feel nothing.
I wonder what Del feels, what will bring him out to face me. Guilt at what he’s done to her, to the parents stuffed down in the basement? Or love for his sister that not even murdering her could erase?
I say, “Come and get me, Del.”
And he attacks.
When you don’t care what happens to you, you fight pretty well.
As Del finds to his cost.
His emotions have made him partially visible again, and he trails blood from a torn face as I drag him to our shrine.
He’s dead on arrival, and becomes fully visible again, slumped on the ground. This scares some of the other guys, making them worry that Del was right to still care about things.
I can see what has to be done.
I need to martyr myself, and I am soon nailing myself to the wall–displaying the nothing that we should all allow ourselves to become.
They understand, and soon the masses of my fellow non-carers begin to fade from view.
But then something else happens.
Something rises from Del–some sort of spirit lifts out of him.
Del’s ghost. Or soul. Or whatever you want to call it.
“I’m going now,” the spirit says. “To the other side.”
“Rubbish,” I scoff, hanging from the wall. “There is no other side. There’s nothing, that’s what I believe.”
“Of course you do,” he says.
Then other spirits come to join him.
His family.
They take him by the hand, forgiveness in their eyes, then they fade from view, too.
Leaving me to hang there alone.
Wondering if I still believe what I just said I believed in.
